Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Changes on the horizon.

Tomorrow is my last day at the job I've had for over two second job since college.  I'm so excited, yet I have no motivation to finish up my last few tasks.  Then I've got the holidays--including Thanksgiving with Boyfriend's family.  I've met them separately before, but this is my first holiday with them and I'm a tad nervous.  It's also my last holiday for a while that I won't have to work, because at the beginning of the month I'll move on to employment with the state as a dispatcher.  I can't wait!  New job...good, fair more more of the beaurocratic bullshit from this awful company I've been with.  Usually I hate change, but this is one I've been working on for a year now--my escape!  Boyfriend is worried that with me on nights he won't get to talk to me much, but I have faith that something this minor (in my opinion) won't tear us apart.  I love him so much...I think he's my soulmate.  He'll be starting grad-school soon anyway so he can teach special ed.  I'm so proud of him.  If we can both get our health together and get settled financially, we may have a wonderful future in the making!  I'm so happy.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Life & Death.

I really struggle with death.
Not with my own death--with the passing of others.  My reactions tend to be stronger, more volatile than those of others.  My horror of encountering corpses borders on a full-on panic attack.  I don't know why I am this way.

I miss my grandmother.  She will have been dead 13 years this New Years Eve.  I remember the day she died: it was the first time I watched the ball drop.  I was 10 years old, and I had spent the entire day with a premonition...I knew someone would die, I just didn't know who.  I knew it like I knew my own name, and it was terrifying.  That night as I lay there in bed trying to sleep, I was afraid of what may be in the dark.  I don't know why...I just was.  And even though I was 10 when she died and I spent a lot of time with her, what I actually remember of her is fleeting moments.  But God I miss her.

I also miss Brittany, one of my hallmates in college.  She died on Valentines Day, in a wreck on the way to see her boyfriend in an unplanned trip.  They had planned to wait until the weekend.  I saw her before she left--she was working on a blanket in the hall when I went to class and when I returned, and I giggled at her diligence.  I wish I had offered to help, rather than going to take a nap.  Who knew it'd be the last time I'd see her alive?  I remember that even though we'd been busy that semester, I had gone to dinner with her and a few others from our hall in the cafeteria a couple days earlier...I remember walking & talking with her, playing with her hair, just being girls.  These memories are precious to me.  It's been 3 1/2 years now, and I still cry thinking about it.  I'll never understand why the kindest soul I've ever met was snuffed out so early.  She was going to be a missionary doctor...she was going to marry her sweet boyfriend who is a pilot...she was our "soccer mom."  Not now.  But at least she can finally hear in heaven--no more yelling when we're whispering, no more loud "huh?!", no more surgery.  I'm selfish in my grief.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Things That Warm My Heart

Kopecky Family Band.

Scarves.  Fuzzy neck scarves...silky head scarves...I love them all.

When I come home and my bunny does a dance because he missed me.

Cuddling with my boyfriend on a lazy afternoon.

Artsy-fartsy people who are chill and fun to have adventures with.

Good wine.

A beautiful Catholic church, lit only by candles and tinted light streaming through the stained glass windows. 

My grandma's macaroni.

Having girl-talk with my mom.  The day I discovered she was more than just a "mom" changed my life.

Sweet old couples who are still in love with each other.

Candles--no matter what the occasion.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Life's Complications & Joys

I want to attend Mass again, but I don't feel fully right doing that considering that I don't agree with the Church on a lot anymore.  Catholic is still where I feel most at home, but I know I can't take Communion by their standards.  I guess it would be okay to go back and just not receive...feels odd though.  Maybe I can just go pray sometime when they're open.  I think that would make me happy.

I'm not living up to Catholic standards, since I don't agree with some of them.  But I don't feel like I'm living badly.  I'm so happy lately, even though there's been a lot of stress lately. 

Being an adult is sooooo much harder than I thought it would be, which makes me giggle.  I can't quite afford life, but somehow I live.  I haven't lost my apartment yet, and I've been on my own for a year--that's progress.  The biggest loss if I did lose it would be my pet bunny; Billee is my number one fella! 

Speaking of fellas, I'm so in love.  I met this guy on a dating site (LOL!), and it actually worked out.  We're both epic nerds...we've got a ridiculous amount of stuff in common.  Before I met him, I didn't believe in soul mates.  I hope he keeps me.